HUH?

Three businessmen checked into a hotel and paid the clerk $30 for a room ($10 each). When the hotel manager returned, he noticed that the clerk had incorrectly charged $30 instead of $25 for the room. The manager told the clerk to return $5 to the businessmen. The clerk, knowing that the businessmen would not be able to divide $5 evenly, decided to keep $2 and to give them only $3.

The businessmen were very happy because they paid only $27 for the room ($9 each). However, if they paid $27 and the clerk kept $2, that adds up to $29. What happened to the other dollar?

DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:

Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?". The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

Two mathematicians were eating lunch at a restaurant. Throughout the meal, they had been arguing about the state of math education in the US; the first thought that no-one was learning anything, while the second thought that things were not quite as bad as all that. Finally, the first mathematician said, "OK, why don't you put your money where your mouth is? When the waitress comes with the check, I'll ask her a simple algebra question. If she gets it right, I'll pay for both our lunches; if not, you will." To this the second mathematician readily assented.

Finally, the meal was over, and the waitress brought over the check. The first mathematician said to her, "Would you mind settling a bet for us? Could you tell us what a plus b quantity squared is?" "Hmm...(a+b)^2...that's an algebra question, right...let's see...it's a squared plus b squared!" As the second mathematician reached for the check, she continued, "That would be in a field of characteristic two, of course."

But after all, the most successful device in mathmanship is to leave out one or two pages of calculations and for them substitute the word "hence," followed by a colon. This is guaranteed to hold the reader for a couple of days figuring out how you got hither from hence.

Nicholas Vanserg
Mathmanship, 1958

On The Nature of Mathematical Proof

The Mountains of Pi

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

A few years ago I went to the doctor with an infected sinus. He proceeded to describe a procedure for draining the infected sinus through the nose. Upon seeing the look of horror on my face he tried to reassure me with "Don't worry, it's an easy procedure." I was reminded of the following old joke.

Fred needed to take a ten day trip across the desert. So he went to the local camel dealer to rent a ten day camel. The dealer informed Fred that he was out of ten day camels but that they could supercharge a seven day camel and it should be able to make the trip. The deal was struck. The dealer selected a sturdy looking male seven day camel. The dealer asked Fred to help him supercharge the camel.

Dealer: "Take the camels head and hold it under the water."

Following his instructions Fred held pushed the camels head into the water trough. The camel dealer took two large rocks and pressed one up into the camel's privates. He swung the second rock against the first rock with a great deal of force. The camel's eye's went wide and the camel sucked in a huge quantity of water.

Fred: "My God, doesn't that hurt?"

Dealer, looking somewhat puzzled: "Only if you get your fingers caught between the rocks."